3 Cheers for Peace and Quiet

by Mal Webb

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released January 1, 2005

Recorded by Mal Webb
Mixed and mastered by Ross Cockle and Mal Webb




Mal Webb Melbourne, Australia

Vocal adventurer, multi-instrumentist, looping beatboxing songwriter Mal Webb sings his songs about all manner of stuff, using all sorts of vocal techniques (like sideways yodeling) and plays guitar, bass, mbira, slide trumpet, trombone, chromatic harmonica, bass and piano. He's like Bobby McFerrin, Aphex Twin and Cole Porter playing scrabble. Ani DiFranco said to Mal: "You're a freak!"
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Track Name: Carrot

A farmer buys a donkey, he haggles down the price
The seller fella shrugs OK, but he offers this advice...
"Respect can't be demanded, it has to be inspired
A stick won't make that donkey work, it's a carrot that's required
Go the carrot, not the stick x2
Go the kiss, not the kick
Go the bicky, not the brick, go…"

Well, that farmer doesn't listen and off to his farm does trudge
But when he hitches up his plough, the donkey just won't budge
That shonky donkey just won't budge
So he rants and raves and he beats the beast, but there are hollers of dismay
As the farmer's youngest daughter tugs upon his pants to say
"Go the carrot..."
Say yes to positive, not no to negative
'Cos no to negative is not enough
Say yes to positive, not no to negative
Preposterously positive, that's the stuff

Well, that farmer pays no heed at all and a fracas does ensue
It's less than more than he bargained for and he says he's gunna sue
He's litigious through and through
But the donkey dealer on the phone laughs off that litigation
"You're a stubborn fool if you let that mule out-stubborn you all day, son, go…"

Now the daughter's found some carrots and the donkey well approves
He's got sparkling eyes and flapping ears and a twinkle in his hooves
A twinkle in his hooves
But the farmer bounds back full of beans for a refund's been agreed
So he'll never know he's letting go a strong, speedy steed indeed, if he'd gone..."

Will that farmer ever get the point? Will his daughter try in vain?
Will the donkey find a new farm that makes carrots and champagne?
Never real pain again!
Respect can't be demanded, it has to be inspired
And what goes round becomes a round, so a choir is thus required, go....

©Mal Webb 2003
Track Name: Wake Up
Wake Up
Wake up, wake up, let tomorrow be today
Don't let the good times roll away
Wake up, wake up, kick the sandman out the door
Don't let him sprinkle one grain more
Wake up, wake up, as you are as you exude
A long winding tube for ruining food
Wake up, wake up, prise your eyes wide to the skies
In horizon's rise a wise guise lies
Wake up, wake up, little scenes of dream remain
Make your ruminating brain refrain
Wake up, wake up, lose the snooze and choose a towel
Put procrastination off for now

Ablute and yawn with the scorn of a new born
Torn between hoarding and spending
Keeps depending on a leap in the deep end

Wake up, wake up, the whole world depends on you
Give the butterfly effect its due
Wake up, wake up, trust your heart for what you like
Tell the fashion gurus "on ya bike!"/"Take a hike"
Wake up, wake up, drop your guard, pick up your smile
Let a stranger know it's all worthwhile
©Mal Webb 2000
Track Name: Buttercup
The Buttercup
Grab yourself a partner, quickly now
We can dance the Buttercup and I'll show you how
It all came from a game we played for hours
Outstanding in the field of flowers
By the botanical name of Ranunculus
It inflames little funk unless the groove's improved
With a glutinous maximal Gambian move
A double entendre or two and you

Gently zoom that yellow bloom beneath your partner's chin
And there may show a golden glow upon that chinny skin
Thence your task is to ask the spread on which they're keen
Your voice should carry like Bootsy or Barry
Smooth as margarine, as you utter
"Do you like butter?"
Moove around with a dairy air
Churning arms and a bovine stare
Then flick that buttercup in the air
And walk away like you just don't care

So how'd you go? Did you do OK?
Did you bump into someone as you walked away?
Well, that's your new partner without a doubt
Updating's what the Buttercup's all about
Hug what you love, then let it wander
Yonder to ponder growing fonder
‘Til one day you're reuniting with 'em
Chewing the fat in ruminating rhythm (chewing that cud...)

Ooh, that's the Buttercup
If you don't know how it goes, just make it up
...No-one really knows when you mess it up
...Don't grow roots and vegetate
Good things come to those who gyrate

Well, how was that? Did it do the trick?
Did your timing suck? Did you splaff the flick?
Be free range, do it anywhere
My granny even does it in a wheelchair
There will, in turn, be those who spurn
The chance to enhance romance with a daggy dance
Let 'em stray on their gormless way
They may still cotton on someday to the Buttercup...

Well, that's about it, I hope you've found it fun
Now you're bound to spread it ‘round
To one and all, to stranger, friend and foe
Sow the seed and Buttercups tend to grow!...

© Mal Webb 2002
Track Name: Anything
(For Gran, of course!)

I asked my granny one fine day
What song she'd like for me to play
"Play anything", she said. "Just anything"
So being a precocious brat
I improvised a ditty that
Was anything, a song called "Anything"
And though its strengths were rather meek
With granny's help, I sought to seek
To tweak it 'til it reached its peak
The umpteenth week its soul did speak

But then a friend declared to me"
In Oliver, there's already
An ‘Anything’, a song called ‘Anything’"
"Oh gosh!", I cried. "Now that's the worst
Some dead composer gets in first
And nothing's ever new, not anything"
But great minds think convergently
And rip off inadvertently
A million monkeys might agree
We're all rewriting history

I'd do anything for you
If anything's the thing that brings you joy, that's what I'll do
Give me just a tiny clue
And I'll make true, through and through
‘Cos I'd do anything for you
I'd do anything you say
If anything's the task you ask, it's bound to be OK
Change your mind in any way
And I'll start anew, right on cue
‘Cos I'd do anything for you

If you ask me to do everything I'd firstly make a list
If you wanted something badly, then I'd fail, if you insist
If you ask me to do nothing, then I'd give it all I've got
To do less and less ‘til nothing seems an awful lot

I'd do anything but go
Although if leaving's what you want of me, I won't say no
Just as long as you come too
Don't say "adieu", say "I do"
‘Cos I'd do anything for you

©Mal Webb 2005
Track Name: Porridge

I'm always forgetting something x2
I'm always forgetting I've got porridge for a brain

And yet I don't get regretful
Forgetting I'm so forgetful
Just one lap around the fish bowl
All is new again again

Not just names but also faces
So so much for social graces
Second verses of 80's pop songs
Are all that I retain

I've got day old porridge for a brain

I'm always forgetting something x2
When I leave I have to pop back
Time and time again again

Despite what you might be thinking
It's not due to drugs or drinking
No mad cow consumption
Or old age can quite explain

But no-one's got it together
We're all Dodos of a feather
Treading water beneath a surface
That seems serene and sane

@Mal Webb 2005
Track Name: Packrack
My bike doesn't have titanium toeclips
My bike doesn't have a seven gram frame
My bike's mainly held together with blue tac
My bike's name is particularly lame, but

My bike's got a nice packrack
Bright and shiny and new
It really has a very nice packrack
To carry my love to you

My bike's tyres look like barbecued sausages
My bike's seat is infested with ants
My bike's ten speed but only one's working
My bike's chain keeps eating my pants, but...

My bike's given me a muddy back guarantee
My bike ought to get the "No bell" prize
My bike's brakes break and fail to stop braking
My bike's a wheelbarrow in disguise, but...

(Auf Deutsch von Daniela und Nina aus Berlin):
Mein Fahrrad hat'n schönen Gepäckträger/
Der glänzt wie ein leuchtender Stern
Es hat echt den tollsten Gepäckträger
Der bringt meine Liebe Dir gern

(In Danish, thanks to Malene Grohn)
Min cykel har en fin bagagebæger
Den skinner og kører som en leg
Den har virkelig en fin bagagebæger
Den bringer min kærlighed til dig

(In Maori by Mala Somersun):
He pai pakaraka toku pahikara
Ao me pia tata me hou
Tino pai rawa tenei pakaraka
Hikitia taku aroha ki a koe.

Who use t'Val y'army rye kit
Carrot cap sun your overs a he liver eh
Who in a narsh'n'darb
Carrot cap sun a dog's kyub yum
Track Name: Knees
Knees (for Gran).
Your body's an amazing thing
The fact it works at all's astounding
And yet we take for granted
This most marvellous meat machine
On top of that, some bits get more
Than their fair share of slander
Like the heels, elbows, nose and armpits
Gizzards, shins and spleen
But there's one body part that stands alone
In being useful yet abused
But it's not gunna take it laying down

Yes indeed you need your knees
They come in handy climbing trees
A proposal is disposable
If you don't get down on one
And a fun run with a bung one
Isn't much fun in the long run

Kindly take care of your knees
It would displease you should they seize
They bend over backwards for you
But you never praise their work
Then you speak of them with words
Like dodgy, knobbly, trick and jerk

Fancy feet and hula hips and twinkle toes
Get all the credit on the floor
But they'd be flapping in the breeze
Without the knees
So stoic and reliable and true
In this world of hype and marketing
It's not enough to be good at what you do

So let's not neglect the knees
For to joy they are the keys
They provide a place for banjos
They're a must when laying eggs
And a tantalizing halfway point
When you're heading up the legs

Come anoint that joint the knee
Priests and beggers would agree
It's an instant chair for special friends
Anywhere in all 4 seasons
That'll fly between two other knees
For a multitude of reasons

Hip and shoulder, thumping thighs
And fleeting feet get all the credit on the field
But they'd be flapping in the breeze
Without the knees
So faithful and dependable and true
In this world of glitz and spin doctors
It's not enough to be good at what you do
To be great at what you do
To be the best at what you do

Let's hear it for the knees
Right from elephants to bees
For our lives are full of ups and downs
Let's not forget the middles
So come dance a little can can
To patella paradiddles
For the knees

© Mal Webb 2001
Track Name: Cobbler
The Cobbler (with chords... play along!)

My mama said: "Girl, find a man with a profession"
And having done research I must make this confession
Of the many men who wooed me with their skill and art
Onlyone was a shoe in to win my heart

The busker made a lot of cents
The camper, his love was in tents
The gardener was a bit too weedy
The baker was a bit too kneedy
Though he was a good roll model

But the cobbler, the cobbler
That young strapping, toe-tapping cobbler
He heeled me and made me whole
The cobbler saved my sole
The cobbler saved my sole
The cobbler saved my sole
The cobbler saved my sole

The goldsmith had a lot of gilt
The draftsman wasn't really built
The banker held some interest for me
The miner dug me well but he bore me
Though he was down to earth...

He'll be my bow in lace and leather
May we stay in step together
That high-kicking, heel-clicking, boot-licking, tongue-flicking
cobbler saved my sole
The cobbler saved my sole
The cobbler saved my sole
The cobbler saved my sole

The dog catcher led me a stray
The carpet man had shag piles to lay
The tattooist really had designs on me
The carpenter saw me once and still pines for me
I just don't think it woodwork...

©Mal Webb 2003
Track Name: Triangle
The first loop is one in a bar on the tonic (very low... using ventricular fold phonation!): "1"
The second loop is two in a bar up an octave: "12"
3 (in a bar). Octave + a 5th: "122"
4. 2 Octaves: "1232"
5. 2 Octaves + a maj 3rd*: "12332"
6. 2 Octaves + a 5th*: "123432"
7. 2 Octaves + a min 7th*: "1234432"
8. 3 Octaves: "12345432"
9. 3 Octaves + a 2nd*: "123455432"
10. 3 Octaves + a 3rd*: "1234565432"
11. 3 Octaves + a sharp 4th*: "12345665432"
12. 3 Octaves + a 5th*: "123456765432"
Track Name: Councillor Ed
Councillor Ed.

Councillor Edward O'Donnell, JP x2
Foundation member of the St. Kilda shore committee
Councillor Edward O'Donnell
44 years a councillor for the west ward
Six times (x6) mayor of the city of St. Kilda
To perpetuate the memory of the late
Councillor Edward O'Donnell, JP x2
Died 7th July 1933...
Whose record in municipal and other community service will always be an example of true manhood and ideal citizenship, to perpetuate...

©Mal Webb 2001 (well, sort of...)
Track Name: You Don't Know
You Don't Know

You don't know what you don't know you don't know
If you think you know what you don't know you don't know
Then I hope you love being wrong
And you might as well stop thinking now

You don't know what you don't know you don't know
The more you learn the more you learn there is more to learn
At every turn you've got to yearn
And forage for knowledge way beyond college
If ignorance is bliss give nirvana a miss
'Cos wisdon's folly is more jolly
Don't be a wally, by golly
Snap a synapse at every chance
Flap your pants, get up and dance

©Mal Webb 2004
Track Name: Over The Hill
Over The Hill.

Mary Mary, bright and airy
You're fairly extraordinary
Your cool blue eyes and flaming tresses
Always soothe my stresses
But I confess on this auspicious day
I'm lost for what to say
The term "old bag" springs to mind
But that might seem unkind, but

Over the hill
Sounds like a lovely place to be
Twilight's alright with me
Out to pasture's nicer still
Over the hill
No more to climb, you're on a roll
Unwind your mind and stroll
In a field of thyme and sage
Smile lines are all the rage
All the world's a passing stage
We're merely here to play
Over the hill, not far away

Recessive genes and milkmen were debated
We never looked related
Like chalk and cheese and odds and sods
But we talk like peas in pods
Yes, our phone bills show our waxing love
Our voices rise above
Whatever your dumb white cells do
We'll all be here for you...

Oh, Mary! We really love you so
Oh, Mary! We're here to let you know
Oh, Mary! We've come from near and far
To let you know how grouse you are
Oh, Mary! And no-one's here to gloat
Oh, Mary! We're all in the same boat
Oh Mary! All paddling afar
To let you know how grouse you are...

To arrange this party was partly strange
Our methods had to change
‘Cos Mary's who we tend to ring when planning such a thing
And for choosing presents, she's got the gift
To give your heart a lift
I hope to do the same in song
So why not sing along?...
It's time to get ecstatic
...For my sister, systematic
...Dramatically emphatic...
And in two years I'll have this in mind too, 'cos I'm not that far behind you...

© Mal Webb 2004
Track Name: Jenny & the Pigs
Jenny and the Pigs

Where are Jenny and the pigs?
By gum, where are Jenny and the pigs?
I keep on asking ‘til my tongue goes numb...

© Mal Webb 2005
Track Name: Anytime

Anytime this month
Anytime this year
Anytime this century
Get round to it eventually
There's no need for haste
I've got time to waste
Don't rush on my behalf, my dear
I'll be here/ Whatever happens, I'll be happy
Don't make it snappy
Whenever you sort out your stuff is soon enough
Anytime this month
Anytime this year
Anytime this century
Depending on longevity
Take it nice and slow
Watch my patience grow
Just go at your own pace, my dear
I'll be here...

©Mal Webb 2005
Track Name: You're Grouse
You're Grouse
You're grouse, and I'm buggered if I know what else to say
Like je taime, ti amo or yag elska dei
But the language may be getting in the way
You're grouse and I hold you in the highest of esteem
You're the best a female friend has ever been
But I think I've got a little bit too keen

And you say you wish more boys could be like me
But how can you fail to see, I'm waiting here patiently

You're grouse, but it's hardly like we are the perfect match
'Cos on you the other girls are not a patch
And in life I seem to fumble every catch
You're grouse, and I've never been a winner with the words
I'm a total loss at matrices and surd
So I don't even fit in with other nerds

You're grouse, but the truth is too impossible to face
That the footy players are really more your pace
So my love is a completely hopeless case
You're grouse! It's the only thing I have the guts to say
'Cos my feeling may cause you to run away
Even worse you may just pity me and stay

You're grouse

©Mal Webb 2000
Track Name: Larry
Have you heard about Larry?
He's been feeling low
But you'd never know
He won't let it show
He's known as such a cheery chap
He's fallen in the trap
Of putting on a happy face
When that's just not the case
Oh Larry
It's OK to feel down
Even the jolliest clown in town
At times wears a frown
The weight of the world is not yours alone to carry... Larry.

©Mal Webb 2005
Track Name: Diphthong

As a lover of linguistics, I'm intrigued by the logistics
Of the oral peril lurking when a word's embarked upon
But when twisted vowel and consternance are gone
One word gives more grief than all of the remaining lexicon

Is it the diphthong in "Goodbye" that makes it difficult?
Or do the D and B conspire to trap your tongue?
Or is the G right at the start what tends to be the awkward part
That catches in your throat before the word has yet begun?
On paper its phonetic structure's not atypical
And yet the glibbest wits still choke on it each day
If not the diphthong in "Goodbye", it makes no sense why
We seem to find it such a tricky word to say

While "Help" and "Sorry" challenge some
One word can leave me dumb
Every time I try, like now, to say "Goodbye".

©Mal Webb 2003
Track Name: Got to Go
Got to go.
I've got to go because I've got to go
I've just got to go, I'm sorry, but I've got to go
I've got to leave you now
I've got to ride into the sunset
I don't know when or how we'll meet again
But it's a sure bet
On returning we'll restart it
Like we never really parted
"Thanks for having me"
My mum taught me to say as a lad
Even when things were bad
But I said it as I left a party once
And the dad said "thanks for being had!"
So don't think that I don't like your company
Quite the contrary; I wish that I could stay
For my love for you exceeds the cupful
Exponential each moment I'm away
I've got to leave you now
The time we lose won't be a big loss
'Cos when the fates allow
We'll get together for a good goss

©Mal Webb 2000