Dodgy The ugly duckling buckling under pressure to conform to the norm, fit the form The other ducklings all think it's important he get his neck shortened, dye his down, they gather round saying Dodgy dodgy dodgy, the little ducks say, dodgy dodgy dodgy, DODGY!x2 Oh, how the average can be so mean, is his pain a gain for their self esteem? But the ugly duck says "I don't give a damn, I am who I am, all I can do is really Try to be as me as I can be, try to be about as me as I can be"x2 The other ducklings laugh swim away, but one little duck decides to stay She's kinda dodgy in her own sweet way, she waddles up to him to say "hey, I like you cos you're dodgy..." So this daggy duo form a dud duck club, but so increasing reason for teasing It's dodgy duck season, together their hearts bleed, through tears they repeat the Dud Duck Creed "Try to be..." Then flying onto the pond one day a long tall stranger comes their way The mother ducks all say "Ooh what a guy", but something else catches his eye He glides across to the ducklings where they're absorbed in taunting the dud duck pair He says "why do you endure this abuse? You're a swan and you're friend here's a goose" In a flash it all becomes clear, the big feet, the neck and the voice so queer To be a swan's cool, all the ducks agree, they're all craning their necks and all longing to be dodgy... Duck chicks are quackin onto him, but his little goose friend's at a loose end, out on a limb It seems geese are the least and get teased all day, so he leaps to her aid with a need to say Whether you're a duck or swan or goose To be stuck on what you're not's a lame excuse Why not be as you as you can do Only you can be as truly you as you In another flash a backlash happens and the passionate pair fall foul of fashion Fickle trends tend to wend forever But a swan and a goose can be friends however dodgy... ©Mal Webb 2006 It's an old story, but a goody... with just a few changes.

Whinge My life is really pox, I've really got it bad I've got it worse than anybody else has ever had The people starving in the third world really should be glad Compared to me they've really got no reason to be sad If they could comprehend the way I feel They'd realised they've got a damn good deal Have a good whinge Have a good whine Have a good moan Don't just pout, let it out Have a good weep Have a good cry Have a good groan Oh oh oh oh boo hoo You think I've got it good, that I'm unfairly blessed But heightened expectations make me misery obsessed So much free time and cash to waste and guilt to be repressed You need an education to be nearly this depressed My degree of tragedy's beyond your comprehension If old folks knew I'm so blue, they'd all give me their pension... Don't just fume, let it boom... Wo wo wo...... woe is me The more you have, the more you have to complain about Get over it you say, but I won't be refraining 'Cos now I'll whinge about you whining over my complaining A whinge whinge situation can be really rather draining I'm waning just explaining it and damn it, now it's raining My despair's beyond compare, in time you'll learn I've suffered for my art, now it's your turn Don't just fume, let it boom Don't hold back, go the hack © Mal Webb 2007

Designer Dog Poor old designer dog was never ever meant to be Poor old designer dog, so hairy he can barely see Poor old designer dog, he's cooking underneath the shag Poor old designer dog, he doesn't have a tail to wag But designer dog makes me look good As I power walk the neighbourhood He's so ugly and bizarre He helps us all forget how dull we are One designer dog's so thin His bones and organs poke out of his skin He trembles like a leaf No pedigree could cover up his grief Poor old designer dog was never ever meant to be Poor old designer dog, so hairy he can barely see Poor old designer dog, designed to waddle, wheeze and drool Poor old designer dog, he doesn't have a sleigh to pull But designer dog co-ordinates With all the latest fashion plates But when he is no longer chic He'll be down the pound within a week One designer dog's insane He's been so inbred he's got no brain Except a tiny smear Enough to make him bite you on the ear You've gotta get a little bit of hybrid vigour In your litter to make it fitter You've gotta get a mutt You've gotta get a mongrel! ©Mal Webb 2007

Drop (or "Your One Drop") It's just a drop in the ocean you say It wouldn't make any difference anyway But the ocean's nothing more Than a whole lot of drops like yours Your one drop (*!*) could make a splash Make a ripple, make a wave That'll roll non-stop And ride a rising tide of resonating thoughts Provoke a commotion Requiring a voice, promote locomotion Movement of the feet to deplete that defeated feeling Stamp out your doubts out loud Imagine your drop up high in a thunder cloud Raining down on the arm of a farmer or maybe It could be a tear on the cheek of a baby Or the dew on a spider's web at dawn Is it a spit drip flipping from the lip of a glib politician? Is it the final critical addition to a magic potion? An unending blending harmonizing emotion Mix right through Til you are the ocean and the ocean is you Let a metaphor be a matter for discussion Don't underestimate the repercussions Your ways could well Strike a chord or ring a bell Infinity stretches large and little Which leaves you right in the middle Despite the big bill Your amount can still count ©Mal Webb 2006

4th Arm Embracing sweetly on the side All mingled lips and limbs amidst a mist becalm But bent betwixt our beating breasts I always get the 4th arm That losing hand I have to fold When by mistake I poke her face I mean no harm Let's shuffle off this coital maul 'Cos I always get the 4th... The 4th arm, there's no place for it The 4th arm, you can't avoid it It's always awkward, that's part of its charm As sure as 4 is 2 and 2 it's true There'll always be a 4th arm The 1st arm likes to play around The 2nd arm is free to roam from head to toe The 3rd arm sneaks beneath the neck But the 4th arm has no place to go It may be crushed by writhing ribs Or jutting upward like a wilting potted palm Vestigial like Skippy's paw 'Cos I always get the 4th arm She gets the phone when it rings late at night I get the blinds when the morning's too bright In Squatter, she always gets her favorite farm And while we take turns on the tea and toast, I always get the 4th arm A grumbling gut provokes debate Proprioception sounds a tingling alarm Confusing choosing whose is whose But I always get the 4th arm An amputee may have the edge A phantom limb could snuggle in without a qualm While I bemoan my flesh and bone 'Cos I always get the 4th... ©Mal Webb 2000

Pi 3am upon a mattress sees* the hands approach a figure so significant Converging on a curve But she's not your standard deviant 'cos our bizarre love polygon has morphed into The fractal shape of lurve Pi, you're the apple of my eye Just say 3.1415927 and I'm in heaven Pi, one number gets me high And it's not too tricky when compared to the path of a passing butterfly If we share in a dim sim, a tree** well shades our tricky lip tickle*** i trip on the square root of minus one Though pi's not so oblique a thing, with a pencil, pin and piece of string That old familiar ring can soon be wrung Just measure your way around the circumference of any circle Then divide it by its diameter and thence, find it lurking In the work you would do defining it's true sense of infinity Your digits touch the sky with pi..... I think people who like pi are cute**** Their lives are full, they have a ball So people who hate pi are square and flat***** As a tan gent who co-signs obtusely intersects at random The right angles formulaic lines attract****** *matrices **symmetry ***elliptical ****pi r3 (3D, hence the ball) *****pi r2 (2D, hence the flat) ******Oo er! ©Mal Webb 2000

Soy Dandy Soy dandy, pour latte soy dandy If you've any handy hand me soy dandy No coffee, tea, bonox or brandy The one drug to expand me can be soy dandy Roasted dandelion root's therapeutic to boot Though it's taste has acquired a disputed repute Lighten up avec lait d'Legume or Bovine If it's your cup of tea, honey, sure we'll be fine And dandy, our livers demand we Deliver soy dandy blandly or grandly Though strangely, the French say "pissenlit" While "dent de lion" is, frankly, soy dandy Now, the tooth of the Lion is the truth of the name For the leaf has a line which is somewhat the same Just as "soy" must have been* from the Spanish "to be" But two bees may or may not** mean honey, you see How Gandhi, on legs thin and bandy Walked in, took a stand, demanding soy dandy And Teddy once begged Andy Pandy "Lose Looby Loo's candy. You need soy dandy" Like beaches are sandy, I need soy dandy Like stud bulls are randy, I need soy dandy Like beer and lemonade is shandy, I need soy dandy ©Mal Webb 2001 *bean **two bee or not... that is the question

Magpie I heard a pretty magpie that sings in the tree "Tell me dear bird what you're singing to me A message of love? Of joyous good cheer? Of sweet happiness for all mankind to hear? (for all mankind to hear?)" To this, the pretty magpie replied in a thrice: "Sadly reality isn't so nice I'm warning those near of my murderous streak To clear off or feel the sharp tip of my beak "Keep away or there may well be blood on the branches And my foes know for sure there be no second chances" And so unto the magpie I cried in dismay: "How could you dare to mislead me this way The gist of your lilting mellifluous song Is twisted and foul! Are you sure it's not wrong? (Are you sure it's not wrong?)" Then quoth the surly magpie, its beak in a sneer "Humans are hopeless! You have no idea Your arrogance fully outweighs your true worth You're just one of billions of species on earth "Kindly take no delight in my song of reprisals Get out of my sight or I'll peck out your eyeballs (peck out your eyeballs x lots)" ©Mal Webb 2001

Knot As you two view to tie the knot, let's cast our minds to hitches With binding lines in swinging reels, you may wind up in stitches Now any able seaman, leading scout and social climber Could tell you what's the knot that's got the lot, but here's a primer A Sheet Bend's good in bed, despite discrepancy of rope Tonight you might unite and quite dyslexicly, I'd hope A Reef Knot leaves you on the rocks and in a bind you'll be You'll take a dive, you'll get the bends, washed up and all at sea A Sheepshank only shortens things, but dinner might be roast A Clove hitch adds some spice, but only ties onto a post Please be afraid not as your close knit family lines entwine Some snarls and twists are normal when they wind up on the wine A Truckie's Hitch pulls 2 to 1, could tie you down real tight A Butterfly loop loop's the bight when there's no end in sight Round Turn and 2 half hitches has a bigamous repute A fly bi guy with double brides and Double Bows to boot Now Figure 8s and Bowlines only tie rope to itself You'll find one liners of this kind get left upon the shelf A knot you can't undo won't do, so tangled webs beware Reply your twines from time to time, repair the wear and tear A nerdy knot nut might like Zeppelin or Ashley bends Or delve the depths of string/knot theory maths to meet their ends True Lover's knot sounds negative, a slipknot's bound to flop A Noose and Jug Sling should hang out with friends who like a drop A Whatknot is a Backward Granny, simple, sweet and strong But comes to Grief and falls apart if tied just slightly wrong So now it's up to you to choose the best and lose the worst In love's three legged human race you're bound to tie for first ©Mal Webb 2004

Fried Larynx As my voice hangs halfway between my heart and my head There's some hefty haggling over how things are said Heaps of hard fought dealings between my thoughts and feelings Completely losing the thread, grunt, grown or growl instead As my heart/head parliament votes a phrase into play My libido leaps up and lurches into the fray Like a lower house lobbyist on a hip height hobby horse Who insists what I say must let it have its way Like I'd love to sleep with you but I'm not very tired Get into your pants but they're not my size, as required Coffee beans and etchings have never seemed that fetching To me and my wayward words, off with the bees and birds As my poor fried larynx appeases heart, head and hips There's a brawl 'twixt uvula, glottis, teeth, tongue and lips Pumping lungs, guts grumbling and my hand's flap fumbling For a way to display just what I meant to say Vocal chords imprisoned within a mind/soul schism Don't be surprised if I may say nothing much today ©Mal Webb 2001

Missing Link (for Neeny and Gran) These three chords plait together into song To make Cupid's bow twang along If brainclouds have made you take a dive Play 145 And cherubs tend to thrive With love for the missing link The hole in the grail, the kitsch in synch Ice cream's lovely and Vegemite rocks But mixing them's bound to be pox And yet it's the meeting of extremes Exceeds your dreams As foul as it first seems With love... The homework the dog once ate The odd sock's mate My smile might make you think that I'm insane If gormless aloof is your game I don't know you from a bar of soap But I'd still hope We'd help each other cope With love...and Shrödinger's old cat At this point you'd expect a middle eight A bridge with a 6 could be great Although if there's nothing to improve Repeat the move A rut is just a groove With love... And, of course, it goes without saying that I don't long to be right at every turn When wrong's such a bright way to learn And if there's no answer there to miss Accepting this Is tantamount to bliss With love... Not to mention... End with wit and profundity sublime If not then at least make it rhyme So flap little dove and rise above The "push and shove" And good old "hand in glove" With love for the missing link The hole in the grail, the kitsch in synch The homework the dog once ate The odd sock's mate and Shrödinger's old cat And, of course, it goes without saying that... Not to mention... © Mal Webb 2000

Turtle I try to be everything to everyone in every way I try to be everywhere with every answer, every day But I'm spreading out so thin, my smile's caving in Until I'm slightly less than nothing to myself It's not a race you can win Go for a place within your skin Horizons get closer the lower you get They're rising if only to help the sun set Well, the moon is in her ball gown and we're waltzing into space And the band'll still be playing when we finish up the race Gunna take the longest road to the furthest place Gunna take the lightest load at the slowest pace Our turtle taught us how we oughta steer So maybe when we get there we're gonna be right here We'll be right here The roses need a sniff, the dog could use a pat It isn't that much, but it's making a start And I won't panic if I hang for a chat I only want to march to the beat of my heart I'm dizzy, I must have been chasing my tail Too busy to notice my bread going stale Well, I haven't got a long face and I'll say it 'til I'm hoarse But get these blinkers off and I'll probably find I'm way off course © Mal Webb 2000

URFES There's a woman in the crowd Who doesn't seem to like the show Then again maybe she loves it But hasn't let her face know That's URFES Unfortunate Resting Facial Expression Syndrome That's URFES You know it, you've seen the same, now it's got a name Now I'm on an escalator And arriving at the top But there's a seven person pile up When the guys in front stop That's EESAPS Escalator Ending Stop And Ponder Syndrome... Now I'm sitting at the airport And my flight's called through People stampede like elephants Just to stand in a queue That's URTWILS Unnecessary Racing To Wait In Line Syndrome And there's TWALPIS Texting Walking And Lamp Post Interface Syndrome And there's SMELBOS Sunday Morning Early Leaf Blower Orchestra Syndrome And there's MURSAS Making Up Ridiculous Sydrome Acronyms Syndrome Like URFES You know it, you've seen the same, now it's got a name ©Mal Webb 2006

Contraceptive Personality You're not dumb, so ignorance, for you, is no excuse You look fine, you're not a swan, but still you're not a goose But you haven't got lucky for a long time You can't figure out what you've been doing so wrong But you'll find what's got you in a bind is lurking in your mind A contraceptive personality It'll thwart you every time you talk A contraceptive personality It's a bummer, but you'll never need condoms or fork out for child support You dress well, you never wear your mocckies* in the street You don't smell, you're neither fetid filth nor sickly sweet But you haven't got lucky for a long time You search the whole planet for a reason why But instead, the thing you really dread is stuck there in your head A contraceptive personality It'll rear when your chance is near A contraceptive personality But you'll never get the wet spot, sleep deprivation or gonorrhoea You're not that unattractive when it's not interactive But with a flapping jaw then you don't score at all You're the best friend anyone could ever find And I need to remind you I mean to be kind But it's true love that you're really running from You're convinced it'll bomb so you lose your aplomb You're not dumb, you dress well, you don't smell and that's good You talk yourself out of any chance you get But these fears, the source of all your tears, are right between your ears No lying, crying, sighing, dying, vying For a place in the race for a trace Of your personal space *Moccasins: Dubious streetwear. ©2000 Mal Webb

Sound of Love Every oscillator Needs an resonator To find their perfect key Freak out on their frequency Reach a sonic boom In tune with the room Sweet harmonics up above It's the sound of love Make a little note Make a little noise Make a little nothing Then do it again, do it again It's the love of sound It's the sound of love Overtones on a drone Moan and groan In the zone, the beats kick in A riff, a loop, a lick in to a groove Deep and embracing, hearts racing Chasing passion's waves crashing above It's the sound of love © Mal Webb 2007