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Trainer Wheels

by Mal Webb

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1.
Trainer Wheels (for all my family) When I took off my trainer wheels I hit the road and skinned my knee And stubbed my toe as I stood up And banged my head upon a tree My brother asked "Are you OK?" So many times it drove me nuts Deaf, dumb and blind in agony I had to punch him in the guts I'm a baby in a pram Playing chicken with a tram Back seat of the brown EH Heading homeward late at night The streetlights stroke me half asleep And everything will be alright 'Cos mum and dad are in the front Their murmurs ripple over me And no divorce could strip away This blanket of security I should've left my trainer wheels on Another day would've done If I'd thought to think it through And high up on my tin can stilts Adult stamped upon my brow With an O instead of U When I took off my trainer wheels Dad gave them to the kid next door "They'll just clutter up the shed And we don't need them anymore" So now I ride a bike with ease Around the block I'm free to roam Down any path, up any street Except the one that heads for home ©Mal Webb 2000
2.
Bike 03:03
Bike For a score of it, click here for a PDF or here for a Sibelius file (you might have to right click (or control click for mac) the link to save it properly). Yep, use it with your choir/group! You might want to change the key. Just repay me by getting me a gig and/or encouraging everyone to buy my CDs... easy! Push on a pedal, push on a pedal Get your (gasp) heart started Push on a pedal Push it down and up again Get on your bike, sit on the seat Push your feet on the pedals And ride it all around Ride it all around Oh, get that car out of my way I want to ride my bike today It keeps me fit and gets me there And won't go stinking up the air Leave behind the daily grind And let your mind unwind If it's life you tend to like You'd better get yourself a bike Oh, oh, get yourself a bike ©Mal Webb 2000
3.
Ringbark 03:39
Ringbark (for the long suffering Earth) The money-go-round is overwound The gambolling horses bound And throw the Toorak cowboy To the ground So will he survive, take a dive Or flay his foe alive Armed with a Gucci watch And a 4-wheel drive Ringbark your heart Subdivide your soul A troll will take its toll A virtual tear, so sincere Is programmed to appear The sound of patting backs is coming near That's my turn off, let me out right here The Earth doesn't understand economics Volcanoes really don't give a hoot About political theory Gravity goes down And entropy tends to go up Whatever that means to a rock And for the ocean there's no notion Of religious devotion and yet we'll still be Finding new cows to kowtow to When the sun gives up with a cough 'Cos we think we're so tough So is it a rort to export The same stuff we import? All in the name of good financial sport Humanity flows in exposing Something on the nose On the face of the Earth A nasty freckle grows Ringbark your heart Subdivide your soul A troll will take its toll Exorbitant fees catch the breeze And spread like some disease Ascending graphs are going to Bring us to our knees That's my turn off, let me out here please ©Mal Webb 2000
4.
Hug 03:30
Hug If you're feeling forlorn or a bit full on Here's a cure that's a medical paragon It's a fantasy panacea, yes indeed You just need a good hug That's all you need There's no need to beg And no need to steal And there's no hidden cost In a reciprocal deal You should only ever hug When it's all agreed That you need a good hug That's all you need Hugging makes you happy It'll make you smile Take your inhibitions And lose them for a while Hugging makes you feel like Everything's OK But don't wait 'til tomorrow When you can hug today It won't leave you in debt with a legal writ It won't leave you With clothing that doesn't fit It won't leave you with another little Mouth to feed You just need a good hug That's all you need There's no known communicable Diseases involved So if you leave it at hugging Then your problem's solved And if you do it right You won't bruise or bleed You just need a good hug That's all you need You can start with a handshake Let it evolve to involve a little toll On your heart and soul Any sex, age or creed Any species or breed You just need a good hug That's all you need You don't need psychedelics To addle your brain You don't need nicotine Caffeine or cocaine You don't need a bag of weed Or a line of speed You just need a good hug That's all you need You don't need a pair of Gaultier boxer shorts You don't need a flatmate With two dimensional thoughts You don't need a prostitute Who'll scream and plead You just need a good hug That's all you need There may be somebody That you once knew Who had always felt the need To embrace with you And if only you'd known All the signs to read When you need a good hug That's all you need ©Mal Webb 2000
5.
Laksa 03:18
Laksa I dabbled in Tom Chad Goong for a while But it lacks a laksa's lackadaisical style Consommé can cope in a shrouded tureen But a laksa's at home In a crowded street scene Just hold on tight and don't wear white My favourite place to go When I'm down on my luck is a wee Malay cafe where they do a good laksa The price is right, the decor's shite And don't wear white The waitress comes to me No expression on her face Could be fire inside A serene chilly surface She's mild despite my wild delight But don't wear white Oo laksa, for thrills and spills It's superlative du jour Oo laksa, for all your ills This hot broth'll have the cure 'Cos I'll be sculling the dregs 'Til I sweat like gelignite Lips tingling in the afterglow Of a sacred fishy rite Just hold on tight and don't wear white A marbled lava lake Blood from Jack Pollock's toe Upon a tofu shore Creamy tides ebb and flow The prawns invite a tender bite So don't wear white Pasta shiatsu pats you With long floppy fingers A canoodling spoonful So pungently lingers Attain new height in taste bud flight And don't wear white If you like your dining With moaning and whining If you want me to stay Don't take my broth away ©Mal Webb 2000
6.
Girl of my Dreams The girl of my dreams Has the head of a donkey The girl of my dreams Ran me over with a steam roller The girl of my dreams Turned into my mother The girl of my dreams Made me fall off my tricycle So I never wish upon a star The girl of my dreams Threw my leg in the ocean The girl of my dreams Is right into bootscooting ©Mal Webb 2000
7.
One Man's Fish One man's fish is another man's poisson Cooked bread, raw toast Wet dirt, dry mud Tuna of the barnyard, camel of the sea Pigeon of the sewer, potato of the tree Overground rabbit, underground tabby Two dollar cavey Narrow minded could mean focussed But broad minded could mean vague ©Mal Webb 2000
8.
Little Green Fruit You hang in the tree looking ripe and big But you insist on clinging to the highest twig Well I plead and I pray, oh how I beseech you Tell me how on earth I can ever reach you Little green fruit up in the tree Little green fruit come down to me I'm going crazy wondering what I have to do I've got a stiff neck from waiting for you Oh oh oh, little green fruit come down to me Your powers of deception are beyond belief How can such a luscious fruit look so much like a leaf Well I give you a chop and I'm sure you drop But when I get the bag down, you're still up the top I know for certain if I left you there All the birdies would flap down to get their share You'd be pecked and rotten when you hit the ground And for no guacamole would you be bound ©Mal Webb 2000
9.
Keen On You 03:01
Keen on You Right in the middle of a friendship The weight of one lip can just tip the scales Now the looks are getting furtive We could be hurt if communication fails So if I'm barking up the wrong tree You better tell me before I lose my head But if the feeling is mutual Then it's crucial you tell me that instead 'Cos I should have known the seed was sown My love has grown for you Oh, it could betray a good relationship to say "I do" If you don't feel it too I think I'm getting a little bit keen I'm getting a bit keen on you Tell me baby, what am I gonna do I cannot deny that as you were walking by Something about you caught my wandering minstrel eye And I was thrown into the deep end, splashing around Oh, could this be profound new love I've found? 'Cos not until this day have I felt this way I cross my fingers and my toes that this love grows Not unrequited, short sighted or left in the dark I sure don't want to be another Petrarch If this emotional outpouring is embarrassing or boring I don't mean it to offend, I still want to be your friend ©Mall Webb 2000
10.
Djembe 01:10
Djembe There's too many djembes in the village You've got to get a bicycle instead 'Cos to the local ladies A bike is a Mercedes And you cannot ride a djembe Home to bed There's too many bongos in the chai tent You know I think they're tapping in To something big When every second part Seems to channel Mickey Hart It's something I'm not stoned enough To dig Djembe x3 Bongo x3 Djembebongo x3 There's too many fiddlers In the green room Forever reeling incessantly obsessed When Celtic is the flavour They savour every quaver But maybe "Drowsy Maggie" needs a rest ©Mal Webb 2000
11.
Odd One Out 03:12
Odd One Out Gooseberry When they rang to invite you out Why didn't you hesitate 'Cos you know they're a couple now And it'd be like a date And while you still like their company Their baby talk makes you gag And when they get down to pashing on You're gonna feel like a dag 'Cos they're such a cute couple Your angle's obtuse What was once equilateral Is bent out of use Now in this tragic triad You're the minor third And the giggling sounds absurd You're the odd one out One of these things Just doesn't belong here Two of these things are having a snog So you stare every other way Because you don't want to gawk You ought to bail out and head for home Except it's too far to walk When they suggest a trapezium Their pity adds to your gloom Because they both try to set you up With every dag in the room Two of these things are going the tongue Now as you adore every flaw in the wall And the ceiling's appealing to you You notice that some of squares On the other two sides have been Room gazing too and soon you're aware That each passionate pair Has a solitary sad case in tow Each agonizing whether it's best To be the odd one out Or the odd one at home ©Mal Webb 2000
12.
Waterbear 02:16
Waterbear (Family Tardigrada) I wish I were a waterbear Then I'd be comfy anywhere In a vacuum, boiled or frozen Centuries of happy dozing Pressure never leaves you in despair When you're a waterbear I wish I were a waterbear Politically so unaware No more fashion, pain or gain 'Cos with a microscopic brain Your heaven is a clump of moss to share When you're a waterbear I wish I were a waterbear A mighty mite with time to spare Never have to prove your worth A minor impact on the Earth And little need for water, food or air That's why I really want to Be a waterbear.....(sing along!) ©Mal Webb 2000
13.
Helen Lane 03:53
Helen Lane (for dad) Well, I propose a toast to the mitosist With the mostest She's a ghost who can boast From coast to coast in every Hela cell She's more cultured than Chanel Cartier or YSL But she's tired of being quite so huge And dizzy from the centrifuge She's quick frozen, colour-fast Her prison cell is built to last Dear Helen Lane Did you know your coffin's final nail Is bigger than a blue whale? And so it will remain Just as long as cell biologists Like peering at your private bits It's a grand humiliation Showing now across the nation Mutation on a huge scale Bigger than a blue whale Dear Helen Lane Did you know the bit you left behind May help to cure its own kind? So maybe you can claim A saintly little perch in every church For contributions to research Well back in 1953, m'lady had a malady A cervix abnormality That led to her fatality The cells went for a biopsy That showed up the malignancy But also a propensity To multiply so rapidly That the scientists went on to see What other uses there could be For her expansive quality They shared her around extensively To every good laboratory Her fame was spreading globally 'Til nowadays she's said to be The biggest lonely clone there'll ever be Arabidopsis and drosophila May have advice to offer her On how it's best to keep your cool When you've become a research tool Dear Helen Lane Did you know your flock of little vultures Divide and conquer lesser cultures? But not that you're to blame Your name before They diddled with the facts Was really Henrietta Lacks Dear Helen Lane Did you know that part you left to science Is now a giant among giants? And on a higher plane Your omnipresent question Bids the answer God's a black woman's cancer ©Mal Webb 2000
14.
Litter 03:08
Litter Litter on the wing Fly above me Flutter in the wind And swoop over parked cars Perches high up in a tree And flapping plastic feathers Seem to say "You created me Then you treat me with disdain As I wash down the drain To where frogs are croaking And dolphins choking" Litter on the wing High above me At the whim of the wind Dart behind brickwork Much maligned reminder that our refuse Knows no refuge in a deluge Poly poltergeists Refuse to refrain from romping in the rain These remains that taunt us Remain to haunt us ©Mal Webb 2000
15.
Two and a Dog (for the Oxo family and Tim Tam Pam) Driving to the gig tonight I hoped and prayed with all my might That dreams of Woodstock Would come true A crowd that stretched beyond my view But I dream too much And practise far too rarely And walking in I feel as though The cards were dealt unfairly 'Cos two and a dog, two and a dog Two and a dog is all I see How could they do this to me All those friends who faithfully Promised me that they would be Here to hear me play But two and a dog, two and a dog Two and a dog is all I've got I must admit it's not a lot Superstar is what I'm not My property just isn't hot This dog has had his day Now playing at the gig tonight I shut my eyes to hide the sight The empty chairs look on in pain They try to cheer, but all in vain And in between the songs I can hear the barman breathing While the only other sound I hear Is the sound of people leaving My voice was sore And the sound was poor And the posters had the venue wrong Excuses fly as I wonder why Thousands didn't come along Now driving from the gig tonight I grip the steering wheel tight The psychedelic voices say That I should give the game away But I'll be back again Climbing 'til I reach my peak And for seven days I'll hope and pray And three and a cow Might come next week Yeah, two and a dog, two and a dog Two and a dog can be so cruel But I won't give up like a fool I'll give my all and keep my cool 'Cos I'm as stubborn as a mule I'll take the stage again 'Cos two and a dog, two and a dog Two and a dog, my faithful few And I'll be here to play for you Until my record deal comes through By then I might be eighty-two But two and a dog will do 'til then ©Mal Webb 2000
16.
Borisette 01:08

credits

released January 1, 2000

All written, played and sung by Mal Webb, except most of the bassline of Girl of My Dreams was written by Anita Hustas

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Mal Webb Melbourne, Australia

Vocal adventurer, multi-instrumentist, looping beatboxing songwriter Mal Webb sings his songs about all manner of stuff, using all sorts of vocal techniques (like sideways yodeling) and plays guitar, bass, mbira, slide trumpet, trombone, chromatic harmonica, bass and piano. He's like Bobby McFerrin, Aphex Twin and Cole Porter playing scrabble. Ani DiFranco said to Mal: "You're a freak!"
Noice.
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